Jesus, where are you?

I have been away for quiet a while, and I will tell all of those that already do not know that I have been facing an attack like you would not believe. First a physical attack, then emotional, and finally spiritually. An attack from whom, you ask? See the earlier post on whether hell is real, and draw your conclusion from that.

A question to all of the Christian readers out there: Have you ever come to the point where you just want to hang it all up? Tell God the price is too high and to go find someone else to fulfill your calling? Before you skeptics start bragging about how Jesse's Jesus "phase" has finally ended, wait until the end.

I do not remember if I spoke about it here, but my old blog it was quiet a topic, but let me summarize. A lot of you know that I was medically retired from the Army for a combination of injuries received while serving and a disease called Crohn's Disease. Crohn's disease is a auto-immune disease of the digestive system which is poorly understood and is incurable. Your immune system pretty much attacks your stomach and small intestine (for me any way). It can attack the large intestine, but I have missed that one. A very small percentage of people with Crohn's also develop a rheumatoid like arthritis. I am in that percentage. An even smaller percentage develop a condition called spondylarthropy, which is where the joints in your spine calcify and grow together. Yes, you guessed it, I have that. I have been in remission for a couple of years now.

Now fast forward to about a month and a half ago. I just did not feel right, and knew a flare was coming so I went to the VA (Veterans hospital) emergency room. They said there was nothing wrong, to go home. Mind you, the VA hospital is 2 hours away. That was on a Saturday. On Monday, I got really sick, vomiting blood and passing it as well. No way was I going to go back to the VA, so I went to my family doc, and she gave me steroids which brought the flare under control. 1 out of 10 people who take steroids develops a really bad infection. Guess who got a really bad infection? You got it. So I finally got an appointment to see my GI doc at the VA, and she tells me whatever is going on, its not Crohn's and she is not real sure why I came to see her!

So here I am, really sick, and no one knows what the h** is going on. I have been to church exactly 1 time in the last 6 weeks (not good for a minister), and only leave the house to go to the Dr. or to visit those in our drug ministry who are in "crisis". I can stay out of bed for about three hours at the most, and then I collapse out of exhaustion. So there is the physical attack.

Along with that comes the emotional attack. My Pastor doesn't say much, but she has definitely let me know that my church attendance is interfering with her giving me any responsibilities withing the church. This is not really surprising, as I would have done the same thing in her position, except that she doesn't like my "style" and has basically let me know that I really wasn't needed around there except to come to church and pay my tithe. But that is another story, as I am there for the long haul because the Lord will not let me leave. So since I can't really get out of bed, I get to think about that a lot. Top that off with me not being able to cook for the kids (my job, since my wife works 14 hour days), play with them, or do anything with them it starts wearing on you. I let our garden die and rot since I could not pick it.

Now for the spiritual attack, and the Christian message (now you know I couldn't let that go...that's the whole purpose for this blog). I have a wonderful walk with God. I am not bragging, just trying to set the background. He guides me, leads me, corrects me, and is my best friend. Yet through all of this...nothing. A man who has been called a prophet since he was 14 years old hears the echos of silence when praying, singing, meditating, or worshiping. I can feel the Spirit nearby, but the presence of my Savior....not there. I mean He is there, but not answering. He let me know long ago that He would heal me, to be patient, but never have I felt so alone. I who have seen countless people healed miraculously is lying in bed hoping to die. At this point healing or death is both victory, because if healed I can continue to lead others to Christ, and death brings me home to Him forever.

All of this brings to mind the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Remember that story from John chapter 11? What most of us remember is that Lazarus was raised from the dead and many Jews "believed on Him". (v 45). But that is not the part of the story I want you to focus on.Before Lazarus died, he was very sick. His sisters, Mary and Martha, immediately sent for Jesus, telling Him "Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick" (v3). In today's language we would say, hurry, your best friend is about to die. Now verse five states that Jesus "loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus". But you know what? Jesus DID NOT COME!

Ever been there? Ever been at the absolute end of the line; rock bottom, and cry out to Jesus, "Lord, where are you", and He did not come? That is where I am right now.

Is the welfare people coming for your kids? Repo man for your car? No food to eat? Bank foreclosing on your house? A loved one dieing from an incurable disease? LORD WHERE ARE YOU? And He did not come.

NOW, read the rest of the story. Go ahead, I have time to wait........OK what did you see? Jesus did in fact come. Four days later than when His friends needed Him. Now these were not just any people, these were Jesus' "people". They knew Him and they had a personal relationship with them. He stayed in their home when He was in town. When He arrived, He wept because Lazarus was dead. Or did He? We know He wept, but was it because Lazarus was dead or because of His disciples lack of faith? They had seen Him raise Jairus' daughter.

Now, here is my point (finally). Jesus' followers were looking for Jesus to do what He did every day: heal someone that was sick. Jesus was looking to fortify their belief and show that He was more than a prophet and a healer. He was more than a future ruler of Israel, but would also rule the greatest enemy of all: Death. The Apostle Paul says in 1 Cor 15:26 that the last enemy to be destroyed was death and Revelations records death and Hades (the grave) being thrown in the pits of hell (Rev. 20:14). Jesus told Martha, "I am the Resurrection and the Life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this? John 11:25-26.

Of course I believe this, but where does that leave me lieing here in absoloute pain? I'll tell you: with a sweet blessed Hope. My Lord and my God may not come when I want Him to, but He WILL come. Isn't it great, that our Lord is so powerful that He can come four days late and still be on time! Praise God Al mighty, who reigns forever and ever.

I hope and pray that this strengthens you as it did me. If you are not going through a crisis right now, save it, or highlight it in your Bible, because eventually you will. And there Jesus will be, right on time!!